Lost Illusions
by Amaranthe Athenais
Summary: Season 2 finale AU. This is a long oneshot. The journey to Acre to save King Richard ends with the necessity to face harsh reality instead of daydreams. Disillusionment is a painful experience for one to bear. Nothing is sadder than the death of an illusion.


_This is a long oneshot about Robin Hood and his friends in the Holy Land. _

_In this alternative universe, the journey to Acre to save King Richard ends with the necessity to face harsh reality instead of daydreams. The King's mistake might have a high price, and disillusionment is a painful experience for one to bear. Nothing is sadder than the death of an illusion._

_Undoubtedly and unfortunately, I don't own any characters and the show._

_Hope you will enjoy the story._

_Any reviews are welcome. Constructive criticism is always welcome._

* * *

><p><strong>Lost Illusions<strong>

The last of the sun's golden-red beams faded over the city of Acre, and the King's men lit torches which glowed deplorably in the twilight. Lady Marian Fitzwalter of Knighton stood near one of the tents in the middle of the Crusader camp, looking in a distance, her eyes taking in the monotonous, nerve-wracking landscape – the sandy dunes and the stone walls of Acre.

Marian was solemn and somber, and her heart pounded in sickening thuds as she remembered about the tragedy in Acre, still unwilling to believe that it was real. Before she tried to kill Sheriff Peter Vaisey of Nottingham and then was forced to travel to the Holy Land, she had been fascinated with the tales about the Holy Land and its miracles, but now she hated the place with all her heart.

She inhaled, breathing the hot air in. Tragedy and dread were in the air; with every breath she took, she felt as if she were trying to revive life into the deadly ashes of the golden sand only to find the beat of ominous rhythm of death approaching her from all sides. The Holy Land was only about death and bloodshed, and there was nothing holy in this place. The trip in this land broke her heart into many small pieces, with only one piece still whole and untouched, but even it could be broken soon if someone – someone most beloved – lost the fight with the most vicious enemy – death.

Marian felt a touch of death on her skin, in the air, on the sand, and even in the sun that exploded in the horizon turning the yellow sand as red as human blood. A fever of death crept into her blood at the sound of any voice that coursed through the hot air. Every time she shut her eyes she imagined the crimson curtains of blood separating the worlds of reality and unreality, life and death, the past and the present – the deaths of many innocent people in the desert because of the King's mistake.

The young blonde Crusader approached the lady from the back, running his eyes over her figure as she stood in all her tragic glory, shining with the light of the Goddess from every pore of her body. For a moment, the man forgot to breathe. She was the most extraordinary lady in the world, and Robin Hood was a lucky man to have her at his feet, Sir Carter Leighton of Stretton thought.

Dressed in a long white dress, her dark hair streaming down her back, Marian was beautiful in her deep mourning, and her magnetism radiated across the large and empty desert that surrounded the King's camp. When he met her in Nottingham for the first time and tried to kill Robin Hood, she was beautiful, fearless, strong, stubborn, and brave. But now she was different – she was strong and magnificent in her grief, but he sensed the vulnerability in the way she stood and stared at the horizon, contemplating the sunset that was mysteriously dying away, leaving stillness and grief behind.

Suddenly, Marian turned around, and then she stared at Carter with her large, expressive, sapphire eyes. Her eyes were distant, so bright and clear in the darkness of her pale face, sizzled with intensity beneath the veil of her trance stemming from great grief that overpowered all her being. Despite the fact that she had spent much time under the blazing sun, she didn't have many skin burns on her face; there was only slight reddening on her cheeks.

"Carter," the lady said slowly, forcing every world to come out.

"Marian," the Crusader greeted, his expression grim, "Are there any changes… in Robin's condition?"

Their gazes met, and he found the vulnerability there he had never seen in her before. Grief changed Marian of Knighton, but she still was stoic, struggling not to fall apart completely for Robin and herself.

Marian shook her head. "No."

Marian shut her eyes, lowering her head. Exhaustion swept over her, as powerful and narcotic as opium, and she only wished to go into the tent and lay drained on the hard, narrow bunk near Robin's bed, for she was so exhausted with worry and a devastating feeling of profound loss that she barely stood on her feet, with her lids lowering despite her best efforts to stay awake.

Carter placed a hand on Marian's forearm, trying to comfort her as much as he could. But there was nothing he could do for Marian, save moral support and words of consolation. Those whose souls God took from Earth to Heaven could never come back. He himself was in shock from what happened in Acre yesterday. Never, even in his wildest dreams, had he imagined that they would be in such a dire situation. It was the nightmare, and the only thing that Marian and Carter wished was to open their eyes and see that the tragedy was only a horrible dream, a product of their sick imagination.

And yet, yesterday's tragic events were real. There was another regicide attempt on King Richard's life in Acre, when he was supposed to meet with Saladin but in reality naively walked into the trap set for him by Sheriff Vaisey and Guy of Gisborne. King Richard wasn't destined to die in Acre – he was saved by Carter who arrived in the meeting place of the King with fake Saladin on time. Richard survived, but other people paid a high price for the King's mistake – the outlaws, Robin Hood's friends, died in the desert, while Robin was locked in a battle with death.

"Marian," Carter addressed to her in a tender, caressing tone, "Robin is a fighter and a survivor. He won't die from a usual heatstroke. You will see that he will open his eyes soon."

Marian sighed heavily. "Carter, I pray Robin… will survive." Her voice was shaking. "God cannot be so cruel and take Robin from me… after I lost… everyone and everything."

Carter didn't know how to help her. Her stoic look impressed him a great deal and he respected Marian for that, but her silken, trembling voice went straight to his heart. He took her hand in his and squeezed it with all his warmth and reassurance. Marian smiled sadly at Carter, her eyes full of gratitude she felt for moral support; if he hadn't been always near her, she wouldn't have known how to survive among the King's guards whose only sight almost made her vomit.

"I know that everything I say will not be enough to console you. Everything that happened here yesterday seems unreal," he said, struggling to keep his voice steady. "And yet, you are not alone. Robin is alive and he will live. He won't die in the Holy Land and you will be together."

At the thought of Robin, Marian smiled brightly, and a contented glow spread over her face. "Robin is the only one for whom I live. If I… lose him, I don't know… what I will do."

"You will not lose him, Marian," Carter said with conviction.

"He cannot die… like they… died," she stammered.

Carter sighed, trying to collect himself; the situation unnerved him too much. "I am sorry that we were too late to save Robin, you, and your friends." He paused, his chest heavy with emotions. "By the time we arrived everyone had been dead, except you and Robin." Another sigh followed. "There was nothing we could do for others. They had already died."

Marian chocked back a dark laugher. "Robin was half dead when you came to release us. I was lucky to be only unconscious."

"Marian, Robin will live," Carter said, not knowing what else to say.

"Carter, you know that a heatstroke can often be fatal if not properly and promptly treated. The King's personal physician doesn't know whether Robin will pull through."

"I talked to the doctor yesterday and today," Carter said, his voice thick with emotion. "He said that he did everything he could for Robin. Untreated heatstroke can quickly damage heart and muscles, but Robin's case doesn't seem to be fatal and he has a good chance for survival."

"He was badly burnt by the sun. I have never seen him in such a bad state."

"The physician said that there won't be a long-lasting damage. Robin won't have any physical scars if he survives." He let out a sigh of frustration. "Only emotional scars."

"Robin," Marian called fervently, "Robin…" Tears flooded from her heart and rolled down her cheeks unchecked as the longing and pain she felt at the mere thought of his possible death came back with breathtaking, bittersweet sharpness. "_Handsome, honest, ever-loyal, compassionate, strong Robin was betrayed by his own King, whom he loved and worshipped for so many years_." She laughed with a laugher that disrobed all her heartache and pain, which threatened to suffocate her. "_How will we tell Robin that all his friends are dead because of the King's mistake?_"

Carter's face suddenly was twisted with fury, and he clenched his fists. "I don't know what to say." He unclenched his fists; he lowered his voice, not wishing to attract attention of the King's guards to himself. "Treachery surrounds the King at every turn, Marian. Richard is an impulsive and temperamental man, and he was afraid that Robin had come to Acre to kill him."

Marian was silent for a long moment. Then a nervous laughter bubbled to her lips, dispelling the tension she had wound up like a coil inside. "It doesn't matter whether the King is temperamental or calm! He must have thought more before he ordered to execute Robin and others!"

"Marian, Sheriff Vaisey invented a convincing tale for King Richard. He heard that he would be betrayed by someone whom he trusted and loved, and he believed that Robin could be a foul traitor. The King loves Robin very much, most of all among his knights. The thought that Robin could have betrayed him sent him to the verge of madness. Anger blinded him, and he made a very wrong decision."

She pushed a few locks of hair out of her face, smoothing it back behind her ears. "But this is Robin of all people in the world! Haven't Robin done enough for the King to deserve his trust and friendship?" The blood washed through her heart and she squeezed her fists tight to maintain control. "Robin nearly died when Gisborne tried to assassinate the King over two years ago! He saved the King's life many times during the war! He contributed so much to the capture of Acre by the King's troops!"

"Marian, please speak more quietly."

Marian looked around, and her gaze locked with the eyes of two King's guards, who hurried to glance away; they were the men who served under Robin's command for many years. They heard what Marian said to Carter, feeling ashamed and guilty. One of the guards passed by Marian and Carter, and she met his gaze fiercely, her eyes burning with hatred, but he said nothing and hurried to leave.

She introduced herself as Lady Marian of Locksley to King Richard, which surprised everyone, especially the King. The rumor that Robin of Locksley's wife had nearly died in the desert because of the Sheriff's crafty plot was shocking for everyone. The King's men sympathized with Marian, understanding that she was so depressed because her husband's life – Robin's life – was at stake.

When the King ordered to assemble the men and execute Robin, nobody dared interfere because Richard was berserk with rage and the guards feared the King's infamous Angevin temper. The King's men gave Richard grim and amused glances, full of disbelief that their liege had ordered to execute Robin of Locksley, his beloved knight and favorite. But it was the King's order and everyone obeyed.

"No, I will speak what I think," Marian cried out. Her brow darkened as she swept her eyes over the King's camp. "Robin was the Captain of the King's Private Guard for almost five years. He led the King's men into many battles, and he always risked his own life for his King and his comrades." She smirked darkly. "And what did these people do for Robin? You, Carter, were the only one who defended Robin when the King ordered to execute him!"

The same two guards glanced away, pretending that they didn't hear anything. Many of Robin's former men felt guilty of doing nothing and keeping silent when they could have defended Robin.

Richard's men were shocked with the outcome of the last regicide attempt. In sober fact, Robin of Locksley was the one who warned the King about the danger – he saved the King's life. Yet, Robin and his friends were accused of treason and everyone died, except Robin and Marian. _The fact that Robin of all loyal knights – the King's close friend, chief general, and savior – became the victim of the King's mistake was outrageous. _If Robin could be considered a wretched traitor only because of hearsay, it was clearly possible that everyone could be executed without solid proof of guilt.

"Marian, stop," Carter admonished. "There are others who can hear us."

Marian cast an apologetic glance at Carter. "I am sorry… it is just difficult."

Carter leaned closer to her. "It is difficult for everyone. Believe me that Richard is not himself now."

She sucked in his breath. "But it won't return our friends to life – they are dead and they died for nothing. And it won't return Robin's unconditional fealty to King Richard." She didn't think that Robin would be as loyal to the King as he had been before.

§§§

Carter offered his hand to Marian, and she accepted it. They went to the tent where Robin rested. After King Richard, Carter, and his men had taken Robin and Marian to the King's camp, Robin was placed into a spacious tent that had been previously occupied by Sir James of Lambton, the former Captain of the King's Private Guard, who turned out to be a traitor and was killed in the battle. James' tent was the only free tent in the camp.

Marian paused at the entrance; Carter stood behind her. She swept her eyes over the tent. It was furnished well, with rich hangings, rugs and tasseled cushions of dazzling opalescent hues. Several pieces of furniture of precious woods, and even some vases and goblets completed the décor. The King's high favor of the former Captain meant very much for the quality of life in the Holy Land.

Sir Robin Fitzooth of Locksley, the Earl of Huntington and the Lord of Locksley, known as Robin Hood in England and as the brave Captain Locksley in the Holy Land, lay on the large wooden bed. His lithe form was covered with white silk sheets up to his waist to let his body cool off, or at least prevent it from heating up in the daytime. His face was badly burnt in the sun: there were numerous sunburns on his cheeks and forehead, as well as on the exposed skin of his neck. His skin was hot, his body moist, his lips dry. He was a ghost of Robin Hood, an absolutely intolerable and devilishly charming creature that flashed cheeky smiles and shot witty barbs. Now he looked like a shadow of his former self.

After Marian and Robin had been released by the King's men, they both were unconscious, but Robin's condition was already very bad. Robin was exposed to high temperature for quite a long time. As a result, Robin's body stopped cooling itself by sweating, producing more heat than it could release. Presently, Robin was suffering from a severe heatstroke, a life threatening illness.

The King's personal physician said that Robin had spent too much time in the desert; the man was astounded that Robin hadn't died. Marian was lucky and was only unconscious because she spent less time in the desert – the Sheriff delivered her to Robin and the outlaws in some time after the King's men had Robin and the outlaws tied up to the poles and the King had left them there to die.

Marian regained her conscience in several hours. She was given to drink plenty of fluid, and the doctor brought to her several bows of fresh water that was somehow cooled off especially for her. Marian spent the whole night and the next day near Robin, trying to cool off his body and nursing him back to health. She was praying for his survival, hoping that God would let her be with Robin on Earth, for they still had a chance to be together, even if their friends were dead.

Marian sat on the edge of the bed. She touched Robin's cheek, and gasped for air. "Oh my God! He is so hot. His skin is hotter than the sand heated by the rays of the blazing sun."

Carter settled into the high-back chair near Robin's bed. "It is getting dark. It will be colder in the night, and it will cool off him a little more."

For a while, Carter and Marian sat in a compassionate silence, watching Robin and feeling united in their concern about the fate of the great man who didn't deserve to die because of the King's mistake and who would have to bear guilt of dragging his friends into the fatal mess until his dying day.

Carter of Stretton was barely able to contemplate the heartrending picture before his eyes. He sat rigid, his eyes cast down, thinking that he had to say something to improve their low spirits.

"As soon as Robin is back on his feet and when… he feels better, we will enjoy his dry humor once again." He sighed, thinking that he was failing to lessen the tension. "When I joined the King's Private Guard, I heard that not only Saracens can kill a man. My comrades claimed that Captain Locksley may shoot a witty arrow at anyone, doing it cleanly, through the heart, giving immediate death to his rival." He smiled. "But if he wants to have fun, he may choose to massacre anyone with his witty arrows, prolonging his victim's sufferings."

Marian smiled slightly. "He always wants to have fun, and his tongue is very poisonous."

Carter grinned. "Sweet and poisonous at the same time."

"He has always been mischievous and cheeky." She took Robin's hand in hers and pressed it between her palms. "But this time… there was no fun… in the adventure to save the King."

Carter sat back in brooding silence. "_The deaths of Robin's friends are the Sheriff's fault and the King's fault_." His voice was very quiet, for he didn't want someone to overhear them. "Everyone in the King's camp knows about that, but they are silent – they fear the King's wrath and they still respect the King. The King is the King, whether he makes serious mistakes or not."

Her eyes were blazing with anger. "And the King? What does he think?"

"The King has been solemn since you were delivered to the camp," Carter said neutrally. "Richard went to his tent and ordered his physician to give him a report about Robin and you every hour."

"How generous of him to be so worried about us," Marian mocked, shaking her head in disbelief.

"_I think the King fears to face Robin when Robin awakes. Richard definitely feels very uncomfortable_."

Marian's eyes glittered dangerously. "The King's qualms of guilt won't return Much, Will, Djaq, Allan, and Little John back to life. They were strung up in the desert at the King's order."

Every muscle in Carter's body tensed with pent up anger; he was also very angry with the King. "I know, Marian. The King's mistake led to an awful tragedy."

Marian laughed bitterly. "Do you think Robin will love and admire King Richard as much as he did before?" She shook her head. "If I know Robin well, and I do know him well, he will blame himself for the deaths of our friends till his dying day. I just wonder what he will say about the King."

"I think Robin will no longer love the King as much as he did, but he will be as loyal as he was," Carter opined. "Loyalty is in Robin's blood."

She nodded gravely. "Yes."

Robin of Locksley was fiercely fighting for his life. The Goddess of death was knocking at his door, smiling at him and inviting him to take her hand and go in the underworld, but Goddess of life was pushing him back, looking at him with pleading eyes and whispering that it was not his time to die. There was the inky darkness around Robin, and he tried to find his way to the light, back to life.

In his dreams, Robin could see only darkness and chaos and disorder. He was dreaming. Unreality bordered with reality. But some dreams seemed real, like the dream of exchanging marriage vows with Marian, with sobbing Much and his other dying friends acting as their witnesses. Slowly, with small and cautious steps, Robin began the first feeble attempt to impose some small order on the irreducible chaos of thoughts and images whirling in his mind. And then he found a thread; he seized it and followed it. Carefully, Robin took up the thread and made several steps ahead to life, away from death.

Robin stirred and shifted his body on the bed; a low moan tumbled from his lips. As Marian and Carter caught the glimpse of his movement, they relapsed into silence, then shared hopeful glances.

"Robin, do you hear me?" Marian fixed her gaze at Robin's face. "Please come back to us."

Robin opened his eyes of strikingly pale blue color, staring at Marian's face, but he didn't see her – he couldn't see her because his head was spinning. He lay still for a long, long time, unaware of the swiftly passing time, his heart beating with thick, painful strokes, his thoughts churning wildly.

Robin shook his head, trying to remember the last events, but there were only mistful memories, unclear words, and strange fragments of events in his inflamed mind, and all those pieces were slipping away whenever he tried to hold on. The images in his mind were shifting and changing, filling him with a wealth of emotions he couldn't describe.

The reality was slowly claiming Robin. He knew for sure that he was alive. He didn't die in the desert with Marian and his friends. Individual fragments of his memories were swallowed in the gradually emerging whole, and he could see whole images and could touch something real begin to see. He pressed his fingertips to his temples which had begun to throb painfully.

"Where am I?" Robin gazed at Marian, his sight hazy like a heat mirage.

Marian traced the outline of Robin's face with her thumb; he winced in pain at the touch of her hand to his burns. "Robin, we are… in the King's camp," she informed.

"Marian, you are here," Robin said under his breath. "We survived?"

"Yes," she answered. "You are having a heatstroke, but you will be… alright."

Robin remembered about the regicide attempt, and he wanted to know about his liege's fate. "The King?" Robin questioned, barely daring to breathe.

Carter glanced at Marian, and as their eyes locked, they saw confusion and fear there.

Marian stiffened. "The King is alive." Her voice was edged with notes of anguish. It was not that she was unhappy with the news of the King's survival; she was mourning the loss of their friends.

"Very good," Robin said, relieved.

"Oh," she breathed.

Robin tried to focus his gaze at Marian, but he was swooning. "I cannot see you. I am falling."

"Handsome, you will feel better very soon," Marian said with a note of deep concern in her voice. "I know you are dizzy and weak, but you awoke – you won't die."

Carter's eyes were filled with compassion. "Robin, you are not strong enough, but you will recover."

Robin recognized the voice. "Carter?"

"Yes," Carter replied.

"Only give me a moment and I will be quite alright." Robin tried to pull himself into a sitting position, but he became lightheaded in spite of lying on the bed.

Marian put her hands on his bare shoulders. "Robin, you need to rest. You have to stay in the bed."

"Marian… my love," Robin murmured with a dreamy smile. He shut his eyes because everything was whirling around him. "Yeah, it wasn't a great fun to be boiled under the sun, but I don't complain. I thought that I would die a happy man with you by my side, but we survived and we are married."

Robin shut his eyes, then grasped her hands in his. Warmth spread through her fingers at his touch, circulating through her body in waves of relief. She lowered her head, looking at their joined hands, and a radiant smile spread across her lips. Tears of both happiness and sadness trickled down her flushed cheeks: Robin was alive but his world was wracked, and she would have to tell him the truth.

Marian smiled at Robin's witty remark. "Yes, my love. We are alive and we are married."

"My love, I will never leave you again," Robin vowed in a hushed tone. "I swear I will never leave you like I did when I went to the Holy Land before."

"Handsome," Marian whispered, her heart thundering in her chest. Her heart was overwhelmed with happiness, and she watched, fascinated, the rise and fall of his chest, "I will never let you go."

Robin grinned. "And I am not intending to leave, at least until you decide to get rid of me."

Carter and Marian smiled, relieved that Robin was slowly becoming himself. Robin was really alive.

§§§

A slight breeze sprang up from the half-opened flap of the tent and swept the sand inside into whimsical patterns like ghostly fingers. The breeze cleared the air and cooled off Robin's body; Robin was relieved that his skin no longer was so hot and so moist.

"You said that we are in the King's camp," Robin uttered, his eyes still closed. "Did the King realize that he was deceived and commanded to release us?"

"Not exactly," Marian muttered.

Carter emitted a heavy sigh. "It is… complicated, Robin."

"Tell me… everything." Robin's tone was nearly begging.

"After the King had left you in the desert, I wanted to come and release all of you; I thought that we would save the King together," Carter began, sadness creeping into his voice. "I was on the way to you when I heard the clash of metal. And I realized that the Sheriff had already done something to kill the King." He trailed off, trying to regain composure, for his control was slipping away. "Then I… went to the place where the King was supposed to meet with Saladin. There was a battle there not only with the imposter of the Sultan, but also with three more Saracens, James of Lambton, Sheriff Vaisey, and Guy of Gisborne."

"James?" Robin raised a brow.

"Yes. He was a traitor," Carter answered. "King Richard killed him in a fight."

"Another traitor is dead," Marian commented dryly.

"The King wasn't wounded, was he?" Robin was interested in the health of his liege.

"Richard and I were unscratched," Carter stated.

Robin felt relief washing over him. "Good."

"After the fight was over, we went to… you," Carter finished his tale.

"Where are the Sheriff and Gisborne?" Robin asked curiously. "Did they escape?" The Sheriff was so cunning that he had no doubt the vile man could have already sailed from Acre.

"The blockade in the harbor of Acre gave us nothing," Carter confirmed.

"This is what I thought." Robin opened his eyes, then immediately closed them. It was foolish to try to see anything when he felt as if he were flying between Heaven and Earth.

"Robin, you need to rest," Marian said in an allaying tone.

"I am fine," Robin said dismissively.

Robin was relieved that Marian was alive. The King was alive as well, and they were no longer in the desert, dying as innocent traitors. He found Marian and warned the King about the plot.

He was happy that he survived, for he still had a chance to be happy with Marian in this life. Reunion in Heaven was a good thing, but not as pleasant and tempting as their life as a husband and a wife at the Locksley Manor was. Now he would never leave Marian again. He would protect Marian no matter what he must do, and he would always be by her side. He would be with her because he loved her and because the light of his life lived in Marian, in the spark of her sapphire eyes and the lilt of her voice. After he had almost lost Marian so many times, Robin wasn't going to lose her again.

Robin was happy that he awoke with Marian holding his hand. But there was something that troubled him – it was the absence of Much near his bed. Much told him once that he was everything to him, and he knew that Much loved him with a primal devotion. But Much wasn't there, and with a sick feeling rising from the pit of his stomach, Robin began to realize that something was wrong.

Taking a deep breath, and gritting his teeth, Robin voiced the question that troubled him so much. "Where is Much? Why is he not here?" He again opened his eyes, but he could see only outlines of Marian's lovely face; the effect of heatstroke was profound. "Did something… happen to them?"

Marian squeezed his hand. For a moment, she couldn't breathe, not knowing how to say the truth to Robin. She stared down at him blankly, then gripped by sudden intense grief, glanced away.

"Robin," Carter began, his voice unusually soft, "There is something you need to know."

Carter's words sent a shudder through Robin. A feeling of bad foreboding nested in his heart. Everything around him went deathly quiet as he waited in the vacuum of time.

"What?" Robin felt his heart thundering in his chest.

"Robin," Marian grasped his bare shoulders, forcing him to look into her eyes even if he found it difficult to see her. "I am sorry… I am so sorry…" She had to reveal the truth to him, even if it meant exposing him to hideous pain.

Robin furrowed his brows. "But I am alive. Marian is alive, too."

Marian's eyes shone with tears. "_Robin, we were lucky to survive – only you and me_."

"We were too late," Carter managed to say, forcing the words to come out. "I am sorry, my friend."

Robin dragged an agonizing breath, mortal dread taking hold of him. The news was horrible, and the pain blazed so hot, tears sprang to his eyes. He felt himself falling into the dark abyss of despair, pain slashing through his core. He opened his eyes, but Marian's face in front of him and everything else seemed to flicker, like a flame caught in a draft. He felt his own body and the bed trembling, as if his entire being shimmered into particles of mater decomposing all around them.

Robin's heart was like a large open wound. Hurt welled up in his chest, and Robin swallowed heavily. He didn't want to cry, but the urge suddenly rose up in his throat to give release to the tears he was trying his best not to shed in front of Marian and Carter. He began to weep; he could not stop as he wept for the loss of his friends because of the King's mistake. His friends were dead and he survived; the King was alive, but it didn't bring relief to him.

"They are dead…" Robin whispered, barely able to speak any longer.

"Yes," Marian said. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of Robin's shocked expression.

As despair overcame him, Robin grasped Marian's hand in his. "I would feel better if I were dead than alive." He was clinging to her hand more tightly, as if it was the last straw in the ocean of pain. "Forgive me, Marian. I failed to save you from the Sheriff and Gisborne, and you were also brought to the desert. I failed to save my friends. I failed Robin Hood's cause."

The sound of his words turned around Marian's shocked brain and she could make no sense of it.

"Don't you dare say that you are better to die, Robin! One day you will pay to me for all your tricks and fun you love so much!" Marian cried out vehemently. "Think of me when you say such words! You are everything to me! Or our vows mean nothing to you?"

Robin felt a twinge of guilt stab at his heart. "Marian, please forgive me." He stared at her with vacant eyes, as if his soul no longer resided in his body. "My love, you mean everything to me – now more than everything. I am never entirely alone simply because you live."

Marian smiled at him with a slow, dazzling smile. Her heart glowed with joy, for she knew that he had told her the truth. "I am also never alone while you live, Robin."

"But they are dead…. This cannot be. This cannot be…" Robin repeated it like a mantra. He wished only to block out everything but the darkness and unreality, but he failed to do that.

Marian gulped down tears. She dropped her eyes for a moment, looking down at Robin's body wracked by uncontrollable sobs. The pain Robin experienced shivered through her, but she didn't know how to help him. The only thing she could do was to stay with him and mourn the loss of their friends and the loss of their belief in the King together. God spared their lives and they still could be happy, though it would be a bittersweet ending for them because the loss was too great.

Marian shook her head and looked down at Robin, tears splashing her cheeks. "My love, I am… so sorry…" She traced her fingertips over his features. "They are gone… but we are together. I need you now more than I have ever needed you before. You are the only hope in my life." She pressed a heartbroken kiss to his hot forehead. "They are gone, but we are… together, handsome."

Robin gasped for breath, his voice hardly coming out at all. "Marian, my Marian…"

Tears brimmed in her eyes as Marian leaned above Robin, stroking the gorgeous mane of sandy-colored hair. "We are together, Robin. We will survive and grieve together."

"And you have me, Robin." Tears stung Carter's eyes, for he felt Robin's pain as his own.

"Carter, my friend," Robin said in half a whisper.

"I will not leave you, Robin," Carter assured. He got to his feet and walked to the bed where Robin lay. "May I take a seat?" he asked, looking at Marian.

Marian nodded. "Certainly."

Carter and Marian took Robin's hands in theirs, trying to give the heartbroken hero as much comfort as they could. Nobody of them knew what Robin would do or say now.

The lump formed in Robin's throat prevented him from speaking, and he swallowed hard. "Where are… they… now?"

"They were buried in the area for the King's guards," Carter notified, his low voice an admission of guilt that was echoed in his eyes. "We had to bury them because in this climate… You understand."

"How could it happen to lads?" Robin managed to whisper. Fresh tears seeped from between his lashes to roll down his cheeks. "How could it happen that I survived… while they… died?" He gazed at Marian with glassy eyes, his expression so anguished that it made both Marian and Carter shudder.

Marian leaned over Robin and placed soothing hands at his temples. She concentrated for a moment, letting the stormy waves of her emotions still, and then she spoke. "Robin, our friends are… dead, but it is not your fault. Please, don't blame yourself."

"It is my fault. I was Robin Hood, and my friends followed me because they believed in me," Robin whispered, his voice cracking. "I loved all of them so much, and they died because of me. I led them to their grave." The faintest hint of a smile curved his sensual mouth. "Now I have only you, Marian."

"Robin," Marian whispered with emotion, "It is very tragic, but you and I are… alive…"

Robin took her hands in his; his calloused fingers entwined with hers. "What you feel, Marian," his voice trembled with emotion, "is nothing compared to what I feel now. I will never forgive myself for their deaths. I will mourn for them forever." He sighed heavily. "Their deaths are on my conscience, and this guilt will tear me apart forever." He dropped her hands and reached out for his face, pressing his palms against his forehead as if hoping to silence the whir of guilty thoughts. "My friends were in the desert because I wanted to save the King at any cost and they joined me in my mission. They fought for what I believed in and they lost their lives."

Carter was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at his friend. "Forgive me, Robin."

"It is not your fault," Robin said.

Carter sighed. "When the King had ordered to execute you and we left you in the desert, I decided to come back after the King's men were gone." He trailed off, gathering his strength to speak; his face was awry with pain. "I was so close to you when I heard the clash of metal. I knew that the King was attacked, but I was torn and didn't know what to do."

"And you went to the King," Robin inferred.

"Yes," Carter confirmed. He felt ashamed that he had to abandon Robin in the desert to save the King. "I swear I wanted to come and save you, but the King's life was… in grave danger." He trailed off, trying to find right words to proceed to his tale. "I planned to save the King and then return to you." His face contorted in anger. "The fight with the assassins who attacked us after the imposter had been overpowered took much time. Gisborne and the Sheriff fled after the fight was over; James was killed."

Robin inhaled sharply. "I don't blame you for your choices, Carter. You had to save the King, and you did a right thing that you chose to go to him at first." Exhausted, he half whispered under his breath, "I would have done the same if I were in your shoes." He felt Marian's hand tense. "I would have done the same unless I had to make a choice between Marian and the King."

Carter gave Marian an ambiguous smile, then averted his gaze. He thought that it was not his place to say anything about Robin's last words. He had never loved any woman and he didn't know what choice he would make if he had to choose between the love of his life and the King of England.

Robin understood how difficult the moment should have been for Carter, for his friend was torn between his loyalty to the King of England and his loyalty to Robin and the outlaws. He didn't blame Carter for going to the King and saving their liege, for he himself would have done everything to save Richard, even if he himself had to die to let the King see another sunset and sunrise. Even now when he was aware of the tragedy, he was still loyal to Richard, but his attitude to the monarch changed.

He admired and loved King Richard since his early youth, and he followed his King to the Holy Land, leaving everything and everyone he loved behind. He believed that he was doing his duty to his country and to his liege. He left England heartbroken after Marian had broken their betrothal and said to him that she didn't want to ever see him again. His convictions and strong sense of duty to England and his King overweighed his personal interests, and he chose the King over his love for Marian.

While they were in Palestine, King Richard noticed Robin among other knights thanks to Robin's outstanding fighting skills with a bow and a sword. Richard liked Robin at first glance: Robin stood out from other King's men with his cheeky smiles and overpowering charm. The King became Robin's mentor and close friend, and Robin was promoted to the position of the Captain of the King's Private Guard. Richard believed in his young protégé more than Robin had ever believed in himself, which awoke Robin's undying devotion to the Lionheart.

When they were tied up to the poles, Robin told everyone that it wasn't the King's fault, blaming the Sheriff for their misfortune. But he lied to his friends, reluctantly and with a heavy heart, because there was no way he could have acknowledged aloud that the King was a fool to take the word of the fake Saladin's emissary, whom Richard had never seen before, over Robin's word. It hurt Robin that Richard had forgotten everything he had done for him during the Crusade. He still couldn't understand how Richard could have even admitted a thought that Robin had arrived in Acre to kill his King.

Robin had already felt betrayed by King Richard when they had been waiting for their death in the desert, but now, when he learnt the truth about the extreme price of the King's mistake and the price of his loyalty to his liege, everything was different. Robin didn't know what to say about the King, whose doubt in Robin ultimately resulted in the deaths of his friends. Robin blamed the Sheriff for the tragedy, but he also couldn't forgive the King for sentencing all of them to a shameful death of traitors without credible proof of guilt. But most of all, Robin blamed himself for the deaths of the outlaws.

The King's mistake resulted in a great tragedy – the outlaws were dead and Robin Hood was physically alive, but it would be wrong to say that Robin Hood – the spirit of England – survived. The deaths of the outlaws in the desert marked the end of Robin Hood and his merry men, who publicly defied the Sheriff, stood against tyranny and oppression, and fought for England and King Richard.

Robin Hood's battle was a battle for absolute freedom and universal peace, but it was a lost battle because they fought for what they could never have in reality. _King Richard killed the spirit of England because of one stupid mistake. The King's mistake killed Robin Hood_. _Robin Hood was dead._ Robin Hood's cause was empty because King Richard wasn't worth of utter and unconditional loyalty Robin had pledged to the man when he had taken the Cross in Poitiers so many years ago.

Now Robin saw King Richard in the different light – the King no longer was a noble and chivalrous hero, the bravest warrior King in Christendom. Instead, he saw Richard as a human being, who could make mistakes like any other man. _Robin saw King Richard in true colors – he saw him as the King who abandoned his people and who exhibited little interest in his responsibilities as the King of England_. Richard could be the greatest military commander and one of the most educated men in the Angevin Empire, with his splendor and poetical tastes, but he didn't care for his people.

The image of glorious, just, and good King Richard was an illusion, and Robin had finally realized that. He had to lose his friends because of the King's mistake to have his dreams shattered, to see his King in his true colors. Earlier Robin had lived with a plenty of illusions and dreams, but the tragedy in the desert brought drastic changes into his life: he was still longing for ideal life and ideal world, but he no longer was going to pursue his ideals and waste his time on what he could never have.

When Robin served King Richard for five long years, his liege had often said that Robin was a naïve dreamer, but Robin only flashed his devil-may-care smiles and sheepish grins in return. Ironically, Richard became the man who shattered the hopes and dreams of Robin Hood. _The King destroyed Robin's world – the very man whom Robin loved so much took everything from him_. Like the King condemned the outlaws to a gruesome, slow death in the desert, he also condemned Robin to a life with a tart feeling of guilt in his heart, for Robin would never forgive himself for dragging his friends into the unworthy and hopeless fight.

Robin was completely disillusioned. He considered the world unfair and cruel, and now he knew that there was nothing he would be able to do to change the people and the world. He tried to make the world better in all ways he could, and he fought for what he believed in, but he failed despite all his efforts and hard work. The deaths of his friends made Robin realize with sickening clarity that he had believed in a lie of the good and just King Richard. He fooled himself with the idea of universal equality and peace for so long. But now he no longer had dreams and illusions.

It was painful for Robin to realize that his idealism and the idea of Robin Hood killed his friends. His beliefs about the world were unreal and were doomed to remain only dreams and illusions. His mission to save England was doomed to failure from the very beginning: he could save only some people and give others some hope for a better life, but it seemed that hope was illusive, for it was an illusion that King Richard would save England from tyranny and Prince John.

_Robin was not only heartbroken, but also disillusioned and no longer as idealistic as he had been at the time of his return from the Crusade_. He no longer believed that King Richard would make everything right and fair after his return to England. Now there was no love left for the King in his heart – there was love only for Marian and pain, and he wanted to live in this world only because Marian was alive.

§§§

Robin held his breath, paralyzed as the bird swept through the semidarkness and flew inside the tent; he was able to see the bird even despite his lightheadedness. Neither Carter nor Marian had any time to say something because the bird flew out of the tent just in an instant, melting into the darkness as if it were a black shadow carrying with it the scent of eternal dust. In every sudden flap of bird's wings Robin saw the days of his old life and his ideals fading away into the darkness of the night.

Marian let out a slow measured breath and closed her eyes for an instant, attempting to regain her composure, trying to grasp the sense of the words that Robin had just told her. Did Robin mean that he would have saved her if he had to choose between the King and her? She looked amazed and creased her brow, as if she were searching for the answer to some mystery.

As if he were able to read Marian's mind, Robin gripped Marian's hand, a passionate intensity coming into his voice. "I made too many mistakes, Marian," he said sorrowfully. "I underestimated Vaisey's cunningness, and I… was too sure that King Richard would be more reasonable. These mistakes resulted in the deaths of innocent people." He sighed. "I nearly lost you in the desert, Marian. I should have never chosen my duty to the King over my love for you."

Carter felt a little uncomfortable to witness such private exchange. All the more, he sat on the edge of Robin's bed as they were talking about the tragedy. But the situation was uncommon to say the least – the King's mistake and the Sheriff's plot took the lives of five innocent outlaws who came to Acre to save King Richard but found their grave there. He would leave soon – Marian would take care of Robin.

Marian looked fondly at the sandy-haired man. He was so handsome even despite numerous sunburns on his cheeks, jaw, and forehead. "Robin… Robin…" Her heart hammered harder. Terrible longing for him swept over her, and she experienced strongest emotions flooding through her: Robin loved her more than he loved the King, which made her happy and drove some of her sorrow away.

"I am sorry for your loss, Robin," Carter supplied. "I am mourning for your friends, too."

"Thank you, my friend," Robin murmured.

"Robin, I will leave with your permission," Carter requested.

"Thank you… for being here… with us," Robin said sincerely.

Carter let out a small smile. "You are my friend, Robin. Remember that."

Robin sighed. "Thank you, Carter."

"What should I tell the King about you?" Carter inquired in a carefully controlled voice.

Robin hesitated for an instant. And then he sighed deeply, so deeply that it caused much pain to his tired body. "_Tell King Richard that Robin Hood is dead_," he replied half contemptuously, half hatefully.

Marian tore her eyes from Robin and glanced at Carter. "Tell the King that Robin awoke. Nothing else." She smiled with a grateful smile as she saw the compassion written across Carter's face.

Carter nodded gravely, then swiftly climbed to his feet. Casting a concerned glance at Robin and a compassionate glance at Marian, he walked to the exit from the tent.

"Carter," Robin called him.

Carter stopped and swung around. He stared at Robin, his brow arched. "Yes, Robin?"

Robin's eyes flung open, and he looked at Marian, his pale blue eyes seeming to penetrate too far into her thoughts in spite of his dizziness and weakness. "_At times, you must take part in a cruel battle, man against man, party against party, and spill a lot of blood – only to understand that it was all for nothing, that the fight was futile_." He lowered his voice. "You make war you think you must, and you do that systematically. And this war slowly makes you disenchanted, and wearied, and frustrated, and all in pure waste."

Carter shook his head. "I understand, Robin." He loved and respected the King, but he couldn't disagree with Robin that their liege was guilty of the outlaws' death. He wouldn't have wanted to be in Robin's shoes right now.

His grief made Robin philosophical. "It often happens that you put forth all your strength to win laurels for a powerful man, whom you consider your friend, but who is not worth that." His heart constricted in his chest at the thought that the King had betrayed him. "And then this man sentences my friends and me to death, and this is my reward for everything I did for him." His eyes welled with tears. "The deaths of my friends are the price of my loyalty to the King, but this price is too high."

"Their deaths are… extreme price of your loyalty to the King and England," Marian said, fresh tears oozing in the corners of her eyes, like tiny silver threads of pain. "But it is not your fault. You did a right thing and you couldn't know that… the King would take someone's word over yours."

Robin shuddered as a new tide of pain transfixed his heart. "_I am still loyal to King Richard and I will die for him if I have to die to save him, but I doubt I will ever be as close to him as I was before._" Hot tears were streaming down his cheeks, each salty tear causing him slight pain on his burnt skin. "_The King is not England – the people are England. Robin Hood is dead. I have no illusions left_."

"You are disillusioned," Carter commented, tears glittering in his eyes.

An eloquent pause followed. Marian and Carter waited for Robin to speak.

"Yes, I am disillusioned," Robin confirmed. Suddenly, everything was clearly in his mind as the ideals of the world faded away and he was able to see both sides of Robin Hood's cause. "And yet, I still have some illusions left, for I still want to fight for the people of England and make their life better. I would sooner die than let Vaisey and Gisborne terrorize the people; I will do something to stop them, but this time… I will demand from the King to act." He clenched and unclenched his fists. "_And I see now that utter loyalty to the King of England has a reverse side_."

At that moment, Robin hated his life, King Richard, Sheriff Vaisey, Guy of Gisborne, and even God that took the lives of his innocent friends. He also hated himself, his convictions and his choices. And yet, he knew that he would have never acted differently even if he had been granted another chance to change his life. Robin Hood was dead – he died in the Holy Land, in the desert with Much, Will, Djaq, Allan, and Little John; yet, a small part of Robin's heart still belonged to Robin Hood's cause.

And even now, when he realized that Robin Hood's cause was an idealistic invention of his mind, Robin still believed that he must fight for the light in the world, though this time his fight would be different – he would fight against Vaisey and Gisborne with the King's help, but he would fight for his people, not for the King. Gisborne and Vaisey would pay for high treason; he hated them with festering hatred, and he would do everything to defeat the two traitors who contributed so much to the deaths of their friends. A mighty hatred makes a mighty effort, Robin thought.

Like Robin, Marian felt ripped apart, hot tears were spilling on her cheeks. "Robin, I am so… proud of you." She wanted to comfort him, and the only way she found was to say the sad truth – she was proud of Robin in spite of their failure in Acre because he finally saw the bitter truths about the King.

"Robin, I will do everything for you. I will always be by your side," Carter avouched.

"I know, and I treasure it," Robin responded.

"Try to sleep, my friend," Carter recommended. Then he glided noiselessly out of the tent, intending to go to the King's tent and notify their liege that Robin had emerged from his slumber.

Robin shook his head, trying to get rid of the remnants of unreality. He remarked that his vision was perfect, and now he felt less lightheaded and dizzy. _Robin was able to think again, he could breathe, he could see, he was alive, he didn't die in the desert, and yet he was not the same man he had been before. He was not Robin Hood and even not Robin of Locksley – he was only Robin_.

Marian gazed into Robin's eyes, and he raised her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers. "I am eternally indebted to God that your life was spared." His eyes shimmered with tears. "I would have been unable to live if I was… the only one who survived in the desert."

"My love, my Robin…" Marian whispered in a more gentle tone than she had spoken to him for a long time. "I love you so much." Her elegant hand brushed away tears from her cheeks with her palm.

Robin's eyes again filled with tears as he spoke. "Marian, I love you, too."

Marian leaned over him, and he cupped her chin in his hands and brushed away her tears which slipped down her cheek. With a deep groan, he sat in the bed, then pulling her close, wrapped his arm around her waist, luxuriating in the proximity to the only woman he had ever truly loved.

Robin's pale blue eyes locked with Marian's sapphire orbs, and they stared at each other as if they were mesmerized, feeling that their love was the only and the most precious feeling in the world. Like a veil between the worlds, the mists fell heavy behind them and they understood that they were not Robin and Marian, but the single soul because they had only each other after they had lost everything.

"Forgive me, Marian, for leaving you so many times," Robin murmured. His expression was a cameo of sheer grief, but there was love in his eyes, and his love for her was overwhelming him.

"Shhh," Marian whispered. She placed a light kiss on his lips. "There is nothing to forgive."

Robin circled his hands around her waist and gently pulled her closer. "Marian, I don't know what will happen now… when… the Sheriff escaped and the King is still here." He paused, collecting his thoughts. "But I want you to marry me. I want our souls to be joined for eternity."

She smiled through tears. She was happy that she could feel the warmth from his body next to hers. "And who will give me away?" She didn't want the King of England to attend the wedding ceremony.

Robin knew what she was thinking of. "I don't want the King to give you away. We don't need him."

She could feel the wide smile blossoming onto her tear-stained face. "I will marry you even if I have to drag you to the church, Robin of Locksley."

He titled her head back slightly so he could look deeply into her eyes. "Marian of Knighton, we cannot marry in the church in Locksley. Gisborne will be there." His expression hardened at the thought of the man who had taken away his lands and oppressed his people. "I think we can marry in Acre."

She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Carter can give me away, if he agrees to help us."

Robin nodded. "He will agree."

"Then we will marry in Acre," she stated resolutely.

"Yes," Robin said in a husky voice. "No more plans. We marry and then… it will be as God wills."

A blaze erupted in his eyes, and Robin brushed his mouth over hers, savoring her with the heart-stirring passion and all-absorbing desperation, which took her away from everything in the world but Robin. She kissed him back, slightly and tentatively at first, then with a slow building of her passion, her hot tears mingling with his tears, with the taste of him, salty and marvelous on her lips.

Robin was naked from the waist up, and Marian could feel his skin under her touch. She ran her hands lightly across Robin's slim shoulders and down his chest, feeling the ugly, puckered scar on his left side against her soft skin as she traced his body with her fingers. The scar was a reminder of the regicide attempt on the King's life, when Robin saved the King and had almost given his life for his liege. She thanked God that Robin hadn't died on the night of the Saracen attack organized by Gisborne.

After an endless, languorous moment of passion mingled with grief and sorrow, still half drugged with his kiss, Marian willed herself to slip from Robin's embrace. "Together we are stronger."

Robin smiled weakly. "You are my soulmate, and I will love you forever," he vowed.

Marian sucked in her breath at the yearning she saw in his eyes, and she smiled back at him. "You are the keeper of my heart until my dying day. And nothing will ever change this."

Robin understood that Marian was his home and his happiness. England and the King no longer stood between them. They failed to save their friends, they were betrayed by the King, they no longer had illusions, and the reality was not what they liked at all, but they didn't die and their love was stronger than death. Robin was finally Marian's, and Marian was Robin's – they belonged together for eternity.

* * *

><p><em>With all my heart, I hope that you liked this story. I found it today among my old files. It seems it was written around two years ago.<em>

_I know that it is tragic as Marian and Robin are the only people who survived in the desert, but at least they have each other and Carter who will support the two survivors. Was it heartbreaking? What it really tragic? I think it was tragic to a great extent._

_I have long been interested what could have happened if Robin and the outlaws had died in the desert and King Richard survived. That's why I wrote a long and tragic oneshot Price Of Loyalty. It is also interesting what could have happened if Robin had survived and the others had died. In this oneshot, I tried to explore the situation when Robin failed to save his friends but survived, and the King was alive. _

_Robin is an idealist and it is a difficult task to change it. The outcome of regicide when Robin is alone who survives in the desert and his friends are dead creates an ideal situation when Robin is completely disillusioned. It is one of the very few scenarios when Robin understands that his fight for justice is doomed to failure from the beginning because one man cannot change the whole world._

_Robin is bitterly disappointed in King Richard who murdered his friends because of hearsay. Marian and Robin are broken and disillusioned. Now they have only each other and they will grieve together. I think Marian was torn between Robin and Guy on the show during the second half of season 2, but Marian undoubtedly loved Robin, at least with a part of her heart. If the outlaws are dead and Robin is the only one who survives in the desert, then he will be completely broken; Marian's survival is like music to his grief-stricken heart. That's why I ship Marian and Robin together in this oneshot, for Marian has to be shipped with the heartbroken hero to help him mourn the loss and heal. _

_Marian's relations with Guy are out of scope in this plot. I think devoted fans of Guy shouldn't be angry with me that I shipped Marian and Robin because the situation is extraordinary in this story: Robin survives and has to face the complete wreckage of his idealistic world, and he cannot bear it alone. And Guy is not dead: he escaped and he still has a chance to change himself and atone._

_So far, it is a long oneshot. But maybe one day I will continue this story, for I know that there are many interesting scenarios of Robin and Marian's life after the tragic deaths of their friends. And Guy and the Sheriff escaped, so it would be interesting to see what Robin can do now. _

_Thank you for reading his story. I would be very grateful for reviews._


End file.
